RUFF RUFF!

i cant believe my dad seriously thinks the point of life is to make money to be comfortable. why would i want to be comfortable. its nice to be warm when its cold and its nice to have food when youre hungry but theres more to life than this, otherwise i cant go on. i need a reason to eat. otherwise ill just go hungry forever and starve. who cares. im killing myself

i swear to god i really am trying to be a grown up but i really really really want to listen to the commentary track of spirit phone and im really really really try8ing so hard not to be autistic but i just like it so muchh and i need the joy fuc kfuck fuck fuck ok OK!! ill...ill...ill...i dont know,.......ill donwload it on my phone and listen to it at the park or something so my dad doesnt find me in my room doing retardedshit

Today its my birthday. I decided to start a blog since my dad made me leave social media. I wasleft without any friends. I wanted to dropout computer engineering to pursue animation, but he got really mad at me. I want to stop wishing for that kind of stuff, so i stopped talking to my online friends and my one irl friend, since theyre all artists and actually following their drea,s. i also stopped going to animation classes and theatre and movie clases, since that would distract me. i decided to focus on engineering only. i dont really need friends. happinness isnt the point of life.

I made croissants today. no one is coming to my birthjday party, only my parents and my siblings and two of my grandparents. since i blocked my only irl friend, no friend of mine is coming to myparty. andi blocked all myinternet friends, so i didnt get a lot of birthday wishes. i got onefrom my 12year old cousin, and one from a friend of my 12 year old cousin.

My dad gave me 60 dollars. i was on credit debt, so i took 10 dollars for that. i invited a friend of mine to the movies, but since it was a cartoon movie i had to stand them up. so i gave them 20 dollars for the money they spent on the ticket. i spent 13 dollars on the ingredients for the croissants, so i was left with 30 dollars. i would be really pissed if i suddenly lost somuch of my brthday money, but now that i dropped cartoons and art and drawing, i dont really care. i wouldve spent it all on art supplies or videogames or art software or something, but now i really dont know what to spend it on. ill probably just give it away to a child. it really sucks, being stripped away from your whole interests and personality on the week where you shoul be having most fun. but my dad's girlfriend also gave me a gift, so tht was cute, even though its only for me to like her more. i dont know why she does that, i like her a lot already.

besides quitting social media, blocking all my friends, and dropping all my art classes, i also threw away all my comic books and all the drawings my friends made that i put up on my wall, its really annoyuing. i hadnt noticed how childish i was until now, i really thought it was okay to like whatever you like. i realized people treat me like a child. my parents are always telling me to tie my shoelaces. and my mom always offers to buy me candy. and i always play pretend with my little sister and my little cousins. they were surprised ive dated before. this is why ive decided to change my personality. before i liked eating food out of a dog bowl, now i like forks. before i liked drawing with crayons, now i like writing with a pen in cursive. before i liked roblox, now i like excel. i used to be friendly now im normal. i used to say "im here to make friends" but now im "here to make money".

This is my life now, for the next 4 years. or maybe 10. i dont know how long it takes for me to make enough money to move out. in some years, i'll be a 30 year old millionaire. by then, ill indulge on my childish likes. but for now, i must refrain. i cant wait to age regress...well, i dont think thats the proper term. i just want to be 30 and read comic books and watch cartoons and play videogames and draw with crayons and be on the floor and blow bubbles and have ,milk and cookies and candy and wipe my snot with my sleeves and cough with my mouth open and laugh and smile a lot. i hope i get to do that. maybe...maybe i dont get to do that.. maybe ill try to, and ill fail, because ive forgotten how to do all those childish things. so, ill come up with a wonderful idea. ill go find a kid full of dreams and whimsy and wonder andjoy. and ill help them achieve their dreams. hopefully, their dreams are of being an artist of sorts. drawing..painting..animating..videogames...theatre...acting..singing...whateverit is... i want to help them. and in exchange, ill get to see the light in theireyes, the light i lost. and through them, ill be able to heal my inner child

but what if im not like that? what if im not nice? what if i say "if i cant be happy, then no one can"? making sure no one follows their dreams..,. i hope im not like that.

i really want a haircut!!! my hair is so long, and i really dont feel like taking care of it. so i might just chop it all off!!1 i need short hair before i start class. otherwise, ill need to rely on it looking goood!!!!!!

im scared of treating this like social media. its just im so used to posting a lot of my thoughts, maybei was an phone addict in reality? even though i never doomscroll or whatever4. i thought of myself aws superior for only using twitter or tumblr to look at art and then logging off. but maybe its not that i wasnt addictedm, i was just addicted to somewthing else??? ugghghh!!1 :(((

well,, ive been spending all day studying and nothing else. i feel nothing. i dont feel proud because its never enough. back wheni was drawing all day and making shitty music and starting 1000million projects i felt much more acomplished lol. but i guess it was jsuta differnt type of joy hormone being released.

i know what everyone is thinkning. ivan, you abandoned art and all your online freinds. are you also gonna detransition? like, just to put the cherry on the cream on the sugar of my coffee of depressionmaxxing and joylesscel theres no hope its over, never been more over, pilled?" well. no. im not detransitioning. dontworry. and also i didnt decide to kill myself while still breathing, i just need to do things right for some years, get money, leave my hometown and then finally finally do whatever i want!!!

so, since i wont be doing nothing except studying for the next 5 years, i thought: hey, how about we actually transition. and now, i started working out. like..to ..make my body like a man. and get muscles. yep. yep. so in like 5 years ill be a total chad. i cant wait to be 30 and be a millionaire man. god.

ok thats it byeeee